Quick Overview:
If you want to avoid the divorce mistakes of hundreds of other people, then this article is for you. Quick point: I mostly write about divorce in Arizona, but this article is really applicable to anyone going through divorce in any state.
Many people don’t choose divorce, but when it comes the best thing you can do is to not be self-destructive. After helping hundreds of people with their own divorces, and talking with hundreds of others about divorce, I see a repeating pattern of self-destructive behaviors that cause people to “lose” their divorce. By “lose” I mean people spend more money that it’s worth, don’t protect their rights, and/or end up worse off than they could have been.
If you don’t want to lose your divorce, here is what you should avoid:
- Putting emotions over reason
- Listening to the wrong people
- Trying to “win” your divorce
- Focusing too much on external factors
- Not having enough information
1. Putting Emotions over Reason
Divorce is an emotional process for sure. You are separating from the person you loved (or maybe still love) and committed your life to. Add children to the mix, and the emotions run even higher. Because divorce is so emotional, you can easily lose sight of things. One of the emotions often associated with divorce is anger. Hate is there too. These emotions can run so high that you make poor decisions by putting those emotions over reason and logic.
Here is the reality, divorce is a business-like separation. Aside from the child-related issues, which I’ll get to in a minute, a divorce is really nothing more than the division of a financial partnership. I’m not saying marriage is a business. However, a marriage is, among other things, a financial partnership. Thus, a divorce is a means to dissolve that financial partnership. Yes, a divorce also returns you to the status of a single person. But, the primary substance of a divorce is to separate your finances (incomes, debts, property, etc.) from your spouse’s.
If you lose sight of the fact that a divorce is really just about dollars and cents, you can end up making some really bad choices that end up costing you a lot of money. Let me ask this: would you spend $1 to fight over $1? Of course not. You’re allowed to be upset and angry, but don’t let those emotions cloud your judgment as it will only hurt you in the long run.
For those who have children, I fully recognize that custody issues are not a business decision and are so much more than dollars and cents. You can’t really put a price on having time with your children and being involved in their lives. Having said that, emotions still cannot trump pragmatism. In my opinion, many divorcing parents have unrealistic expectations about how much time they are going to have with the children, or how little time time the other parent is going to get. Yes, your spouse may have been a [insert negative characteristic here] parent. However, absent some really severe circumstances your spouse is most likely going to get a lot of parenting time and possibly just as much as you.
Plus, you have to remember that your spouse has a different relationship with your children than with you. Don’t let your negative relationship with your spouse cloud your choices about your children’s future relationship with their other parent.
2. Listening to the Wrong People
Ah, I really like this one. I have litigated hundreds of divorce cases and helped hundreds of people. I cannot count how many times I’ve heard clients tell me something contrary to my advice because a friend or family member told them something different. Look, I’m not saying I know everything, or that I’m always right (although my wife may disagree with this). But, you have to think about whom you are listening to for guidance in your divorce.
Think about this. You know how to search WebMD, Mayo Clinic, and even Wikipedia. Does this make you a doctor? Of course not.
Your friends and family can search the internet and read a bunch of lawyer’s blogs. Does that make them lawyers, or even experts on divorce? Of course not. For all you know they could have been searching blogs from lawyers practicing in other states.
You might know some people that have been divorced, and they want to tell you all about it. That’s great, but divorces are very fact dependent cases. I’ll give you an example. My divorce practice is mainly referral based (meaning I get most of my clients from word of mouth referrals, not paid advertising). So, I’ll get clients that are friends with other clients. Sometimes, people will believe they will get similar results as their friends because they think they have similar circumstances. They live in the same neighborhood, have similar jobs, etc. However, until you get down to the nitty gritty, it’s not an apples to apples comparison. So, it’s certainly fine to listen to friends or family who have divorce experience, but at the same time, recognize that their outcomes and experience will likely differ from your own.
In summary, look to the best sources of information first. If you have a lawyer, listen to him/her. If you get information from the Internet, friends, family, just take it with a grain of salt. You can get good info from non-lawyer sources. You can get bad info from lawyers. My point here is that you need to be judicious in who you’re listening to. If you get riled up from friends and family wanting to turn your divorce into a battle, you’re the only one who is going to pay the price.
3. Trying to “Win” Your Divorce
If you want to win, or “beat” your spouse in the divorce, then you have the wrong mindset. Yes, it is important to defend your rights, and get what is rightfully yours. However, defending your rights doesn’t mean your divorce has to turn into a battle. No one truly wins a battle, and everyone loses something. If you are falling victim to the above two categories (emotions and listening to the wrong people), then chances are high you are going to fall victim to this one as well.
Here are some signs that indicate you’re trying to “win”:
- Communications include personal attacks
- You file things with the court to hurt your spouse
- You are antagonistic at every turn
- You are spending money on lawyers to attack your spouse
I’m not a psychologist so I can’t really speak on the emotional and personal toll of being unnecessarily litigious in a divorce. However, I can say generally how much it costs to be nasty in your divorce. Simply put, people who can’t settle their divorce will spend thousands (often tens of thousands) more on divorce. I know because I review the bills before they are sent out.
Additionally, think about this: do you want to send your own kids to college (or go yourself), or send your lawyer’s kids to college? I think there is a lot of truth and wisdom in this statement (yes, I came up with it). A recent study by Susan Stewart at Iowa State University suggests that children with divorced parents are less likely to get a college and post-baccalaureate degree. Although additional study is needed, I have to believe that a major factor in that finding is money. It’s quite simple. People with more money have more opportunity to help their kids with college. Those with less have less opportunity.
So, my quip is quite poignant. Don’t try to spurn your spouse in the divorce at the expense of your and your children’s financial future, and educational opportunities.
4. Focusing too much on External Factors
As I said earlier, many people didn’t choose to get divorced. It happened to them. However, that doesn’t change the fact that a divorce is going to happen. In Arizona, and virtually all other states to my understanding, the only requirement for a divorce is for one spouse to want a divorce. Therefore, even if you don’t want a divorce, it’s going to happen so long as your spouse does.
With that being the case, there’s little point (IMO) on focusing too much on what your spouse does/wants/says.
My guess is that your relationship with your spouse is strained and he/she wasn’t listening to you and/or cooperating with you leading up to the divorce. Do you think that’s going to change now that you’re divorcing? I see a lot of people focusing too much on trying to change their spouse, rather than focusing on the things they can control.
Here’s my tip, repeat the serenity prayer and let it sink in
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Even if you’re not Christian or religious, I think the point of the prayer still applies. You should focus on the things you can change. In a divorce, there are a lot of things you can’t change. You can’t change your spouse. You can’t change your spouse’s lawyer. You can (and should) try to persuade the judge to agree with your positions, but that can only go so far. You can’t change the legal system or the laws (at least not fast enough to help your divorce case).
Here’s what you can change: yourself. I think it’s very important to start working on yourself and your future as soon as the divorce starts. People don’t like change. That’s why a lot of people will stagnate during a divorce rather than change and grow. Remember the beginning of this section? If your spouse wants a divorce then you’re going to get divorced. Even if you can’t control that, you can control how you react to it.
Focus on internal factors. Focus on yourself. Start to build your new life, even if it is scary. Focusing on your spouse and things out of your control will stop you from advancing on your new path.
5. Not Enough Information
Knowledge is power. Knowledge in a divorce case is no different. It is very powerful. I’ll try to get this point to sink in with an analogy.
Have you ever purchased a car before? If so, chances are you felt like the salesman took advantage of you.
I feel like I’m a pretty smart guy. Hell, I tell people I’m a smart guy. I’ve bought 3-4 cars over the years and every time I came out of it feeling like I got worked over (at least a little). I didn’t get bad deals, but I definitely didn’t work things to my advantage. Why did this happen? Well, even though I’m smart, I didn’t have the right knowledge about buying the cars at the time. The salesman had more knowledge, and therefore, more power than me. He knew more about market prices, values, stock/demand, etc. All I knew is that I wanted the car (something the salesman also knew). I looked up blue book values, researched options, but my knowledge paled in comparison to the salesman. This allowed him to have an advantage over me.
Like a car purchase, knowledge (i.e., the right knowledge) can be the factor that gives you an advantage (or disadvantage without it) in your divorce.
Let’s say you want to settle your case and you are going to mediate with your spouse. Do you know your legal rights? Do you know what amount of support is appropriate or reasonable based on your circumstances? Do you even know about all of the assets you and your spouse own that are going to be divided? If you don’t know these things, then how can you make a good settlement?
Even though the Internet is overflowing with information, it can still be difficult to find the right information, the information you need to help with your divorce. You can find bits and pieces here and there, but it can take a lot of time to find it.
My goal here at Arizona Divorce Podcast is to create that one place where people can find great legal information to help with their divorce. I’m putting out new content constantly, including articles, podcast episodes, videos, and online divorce education courses. It’s a work in progress, but I’m working non-stop to help as many people as I can.
Here’s how I can maybe help you and maybe how you can help me (and others). If you have any questions or issues that you’re worried about in your divorce, contact me and let me know. While I’m not accepting any new divorce clients, I can either point you to an article/episode I’ve already done to help with your question, or I can produce a new article if I haven’t covered it already. (Please don’t send me confidential information and recognize that I’m not representing you.)
Summary
Don’t lose your divorce by falling victim to any of the above problems. Divorce isn’t easy, but you can get through it with less collateral damage if you let yourself.
Remember that divorce is mostly a business transaction. It’s business, not personal.
Be judicious in who you’re listening to about your divorce.
There’s no real winners in war. Your divorce isn’t a war, so don’t treat it like one.
You can’t control your spouse, only yourself and your future. Focus on your most important asset: you.
Don’t go through divorce uneducated about your rights and responsibilities. If you’re divorcing in Arizona, Arizona Divorce Podcast is an excellent resource for you. If there’s an issue I haven’t covered on the site or Podcast, let me know and I’ll get right on it (remember, no confidential info and I’m not soliciting for new clients). If you’re outside of Arizona, contact me anyways and I can point you to good attorneys and resources in your state. I’ll help either way the best I can.
Best of luck on your divorce journey.
Stay In Touch